Forgiveness

I have become utterly convinced that Forgiveness and Reconciliation is something totally supernatural and divine.

Contrary to popular belief (even christian culture) true forgiveness can not be conjured up by mere human efforts. Our brokenness will not allow it and our brokenness will keep us locked up in the bonds of bitterness, malice, and revenge. If one expects that forgiveness is a one choice moment...your wrong. Forgiveness is a daily act in which we consciously choose to not keep record of any wrongs. Weird right? Seems impossible. Theres always that line that says forgive but dont forget...well in a sense have you forgiven? If you continue to let the need for revenge to influence how you live your life against what you were created for...you have not forgiven.

I have totally experienced that the ability to forgive comes from God alone and thus it is a divine process of God overcoming our brokenness within ourselves. Forgiveness by its very nature is NOT logical and not an act that comes out of human instinct.

Conclusion? Continual, daily submission to God and prayer is the only way to be empowered to forgive for it says only God has the power to forgive. Thus we must harness Christ authority and power in our lives and speak out against the wrongs in our lives by saying "I forgive _______. " Through the Holy Spirit's power within us, we are able to forgive COMPLETELY and live a life of freedom; free from bitterness and malice and we are now able to enjoy life that much more.

I learned this the hard way. If you think you can forgive soley on your own conscious effort... you are going to fail. BUt thank God we have a source of forgiveness and grace that is never ending and new every morning. That source was given to us through Jesus Christ and that source is alive within us only by the grace of the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Forgive just like you were forgiven. Forgive with the authority in Jesus's name.

Battle

Sin is in many ways like cancer.

There really seems to be no cures... just treatments.
It seems to spread
Right when we cure it one area of our bodies
it just seems to pop up in another area that we had no idea we were hurting in
It can make us become something we never wanted nor intended to be

With Jesus, The recovery has begun, He is the ultimate treatment
and one day we will be totally cancer free

But until then, we have to go through all the crazy therapies and surgeries
Its painful, nauseating, and really discouraging at times

Just like cancer patients though
We have to fight to become who we want to be
We have to allow the medication to take its full course in us although it might seem painful at the moment
Daily Battle against this destructive force trying to bring us down

So to everyone fighting
The battle will be worth it
Keep fighting and know that you are NEVER fighting alone

You are cured
Let the recovery process begin

Is it possible

Im starting to ponder this question?

Is it possible..for two people who are completely complimentary to each other to meet and not realize it?

Basically, could one meet their soul mate and NOT even know it?

Eh...or I guess its just all in God's hands

But its nice to know there are people like me out there =)

ANYWAYS...

10 Things I want to do (as of now and not in any order)

1) Go to a Switchfoot concert

2) Meet David Crowder and/or Jon Foremen

3) Help Bake a Big ole cake...like BIG

4) Play Drums in a Jazz Band

5) Make a CD

6) Write a worship song

7) MORE Mission trips (GSMM next summer WHOO HOO!)

8) Be a PA and specialize in pulling teeth >=]...Jk
I just want to be like the Doctors on Scrubs

9) Road Trip from East Coast to West Coast

10)Learn how to sing...good

Someday

My testimony

I grew up in a Christian family and was Sunday-schooled since I could remember. I got my weekly dose of the basic bible stories. You know, the story of creation, Noah’s ark, and the rest of the bible stories you grow up hearing. Christianity from a very young age was strictly a religion; a set of dos and don’ts. I went to church, prayed before I ate, and honored my parents. I mean sure, I acknowledge the existence of God. I remember yelling at Him when my toy broke (I think I was 5). My father even shared one experience of me when I was in grade school where he and my mom were arguing and I started crying. He took me to my room and started to comfort me. I then asked “Why is God doing this?” It was clear that God was a real being to me even from a very young age. But still, He was more of a religion then a person I could have a relationship with.

It was not until sophomore year of high school that I began to have this thought that maybe God had more to offer then just dos and don’ts. I just started getting involved with music by playing guitar and the church encouraged me to serve my youth group with this new skill. I started to try to lead worship with high hopes of becoming that person on stage that everyone had their eye on. This hope only lead to discouragement when my youth was not participating in worship and no one seemed to really be giving me the attention I craved. In retrospect, I was just a highschooler trying to obtain a sense of coolness, purpose, and value from my peers; safe to say that was an epic fail. That just led to great confusion and frustration about why God wasn’t blessing this ministry. After all, it was “all for Him”.

I then went on my first national retreat with youth groups from all over the country (mostly from southern California). There, I was introduced to group of amazingly gifted music ministers. I was in awe at their musical skill and something else that I could not quiet yet describe. Something about the way they played awakened something inside me. I gotten to know the keyboard player of the worship team and he quickly learned that I played guitar. We would just mess around with the instruments after the worship sessions. He then just randomly asked me “Hey Ben. You want to play with us dude?” I was taken back. I said I sucked and I believed it. It was why I wasn’t doing so great as a worship leader back at my own church. If I couldn’t lead worship there, how could I at a huge retreat as the one I was at? But he encouraged me and just said “Dude, it be fun”. “Ok” I replied in a shaky tone.

That night, I strapped on an electric guitar and just started strumming the simple chords I knew trying to keep up with the guys. I was lost in the music and panicking a little. Suddenly, I slowly lifted up my head, ignoring the music for a bit, and I just looked out and saw a sea of people praising God with tears falling down and hands lifted high. How could this be? I was messing up so much. But, seeing their worship, I was put to peace and this thought came into my head. “It is not about me. It is all about Jesus.” It was all about Jesus and not about the music, not about me being on stage, not about having all eyes on me. The glory was all for Jesus and when I saw how wonderful that was, it awakened something deeper inside me. I had a God worthy of all this and maybe even more. I realized that in my pursuit to sound awesome on the guitar and some how create this atmosphere of feel good music, I missed the true meaning and purpose behind all this effort. It should not be to lift up myself, but lift up Jesus.

That night, there was an alter call. It was a simple one compared to the ones I heard before. The pastor simply asked “If you want to serve Jesus and give your life to Him, please stand.” It was not an “OH YES LORD” moment. I remember just calmly thinking that maybe Jesus has more to offer. I thought “Alright Jesus, take me and do as you please”, got up and was prayed over by the pastor. Little did I know the awesome hands I had entered into and was going to be molded by. Every since that camp, everyone around me noticed a small change. My youth leaders gave word of this change to the people who organized the camp. And slowly, I just started to get desires to do more for God. I organized a Christian club at my high school, studied apologetics and even became a youth leader at my own church. I felt this sense of purpose and that Christ had made me a person of value. I was doing something great with my life all thanks to this new life I found in Jesus.

Then, college hit. I left my youth group in California and flew to Boston. I was met by a new wave of challenges in life. I encountered many diverse people of different faiths in school which made me think “what made Jesus different?” I was hearing bad news of how my youth group was falling apart. I struggled to keep up with my studies, maintain a relationship with my new girlfriend I met in Boston, and serve God at this new church that was totally different from my church back at home. There was a lot happening. I had no idea if I was actively living a purposeful life or just trying to get by and fulfill obligations.

Luckily, God heard one of my prayers. In California, a college ministry called Intervarsity was widely known and I was hoping that there would be one at my college. Sadly, when I got to Boston, there was none with my school. I was craving for a community to share my burdens with and continue in my walk with Jesus. Then, my sophomore year of college, I got word that an Intervarsity Chapter was going to be established at my school. Total prayer answered. I met some awesome brothers and sisters in Christ with I can not possibly imagine my life without right now. They encouraged me to serve and become vice president of our chapter. My good friend Patrick, whom I met at Intervarsity, became my accountability partner and He has been an awesome prayer warrior in my life. I met great sisters in Christ who just continued to encourage me even when times got rough to see my huge potential. This Intervarsity Chapter was one of the greatest blessings in my life. But, where this story is headed reminds me of a song with a phrase that says “I know I’m filled to be emptied again, the seed I received I will sow.”

I just started getting deeper into my faith after being around a group that was so on fire for God. I caught the flame and was growing more passionate for Jesus and His ways. I decided to go and explore this idea of mission trips. I always wanted to travel and what would be better than to travel for the glory of God? So I signed up for a service trip to New Orleans as well as an international trip to the Dominican Republic. I went down to New Orleans to test the waters of this mission field. Along side 75 other students and Habitat for Humanity I helped clean up the mess still left by hurricane Katrina. It was an amazing experience that left me hungry for more. Coming back from New Orleans left me certain that God had put something in my heart that was going to explode in greatness all for Him. I saw Jesus as a person so much bigger than just my personal life but He was actively working in our broken world. I was excited. I felt invincible. What could bring me down?

The night we came back, I got a phone call from my girlfriend at 2:30 in the morning. “I think we should just be friends.” That’s right, my girlfriend of 2 years decided to end it. I’m still not sure why too this day. But at the time, I tried to just keep focus on school. Finals week was quickly approaching and I had to begin fundraising for my upcoming mission trip to Dominican Republic. There was too much to think about to really focus on the break up. Not to mention I was exhausted after the New Orleans trip. I had to focus on the goals ahead. I had to remain strong. But, if that was not hard enough, I learned a week before my mission trip to the Dominican Republic that my ex girlfriend had started dating another guy only 2 weeks after we broke up. This lead to all this questions of if she was cheating on me near the end of our relationship and that really really….really really… really hurt. My sense of self worth was challenged after seeing how easily disposable and replaceable I was. I have never experience such a great amount of disregard that if felt like an act of pure hate. And this came from I person I truly cared about. I had two emotional break downs as well as lost some weight. My heart was completely broken. I was in bad shape for this mission trip. It was by amazing grace that I had a community that held me up during this time. I feel as though I should mention them right now just because I have never experienced such love for a fallen brother as I did through this group whom I am convinced was ministering to me with Gods amazing love for which I am SO thankful for. They are:

Amanda Panda Albert Chen Ritu, Aimee, Chloe, Becky, Liz, Jen Tran, Leslie Huynh, Patrick,
Kevin Doan, Khoi

They were a group that just encouraged me, prayed for me, made pancakes with ice cream for me, took me to Celtics game, held me as I cried, caught me as I collapsed out of sadness, picked me up as I was wondering aimlessly around the park, drove down to see if I was doing okay, allowed me to crash at their place as to not be alone, took me out to eat, played board games with me, expressed their utter anger for the wrong that was committed against me, kept me focus on my potential and God’s amazing plan for my life, and basically just loved on me when I needed it the most in my life. That experience was the worst pain I had ever gone through and God carried me through it using all these great people. Jesus was completely real through my community and I was sure of it.

I went to the mission trip with an open heart to learn about true love after what I thought was love fell out under me. God restored this sense of true agape love and how I am loved no matter what has happened and it is by faith that I know I am loved and it is evident by all the blessings in my life and especially the people who He placed in my life. I saw that he gave me purpose and value evident by the work I was blessed to take part in at the Dominican Republic by His grace. God was good even when I was going through such pain. I was blind to it on some level by the pain of the break up but man…I had some amazing unforgettable experiences after the break up and met some wonderful people who added to the blessings in my life. God was with me through this entire break up and even helped me learn and grow from it. He turned this terrible experience in my life into something used to better myself.

So now, I write this testimony from California and it has roughly been 4-5months since the break up. I still battle with this idea of my self worth and struggle with the wounds left by my ex girlfriend. It is hard to see yourself as someone great after you were cheated on. But this pain has challenged me rely solely on God for my joy, my sense of purpose and worth, my hope in a future wife who will be more awesome then anything I can ever picture, and my hope in a future of purposeful ministry. He has met me in my loneliness and talked to me through His word. He has become my strength in my weakness. I have a new found passion to seek Him more and see what His amazing will is for simple life as mine. He is teaching me to forgive those who have hurt me and even love them as Jesus has called me too. All this has been a crazy challenge but I feel myself changing more into something I want to be.

God was faithful in my life in so many ways. I can only hope to see what He has planned for the rest of my life. He is healing me right now and I hope to share that healing with a broken world as a testimony of the good news Jesus came to deliver and fulfill.

If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my testimony please feel free to contact me. In the mean time, open your eyes. Maybe God has been working just as much in my life as He is working in yours; maybe even more.