Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
You never Change, You stay the same
It has been 4 months since I left Uganda. almost 2 months since school started.
I had just woken up after not sleeping the night before because of an exam I had yesterday.
There was a eerie feeling of change around the room when I woke up (Similar to the feeling you get when you fall asleep in one place, and wake up in a totally different other). It is just amazing and even unsettling how much has happened to me in the past 6 months.
I continue to have urges throughout the day to go back to CVI and hold kids and have them fall asleep in my arms so that their mothers could go to school. There are times when I will be eating breakfast, hear someone complain about their eggs, and remember when the kids at the Kids Home would eat with unbelievable thankfulness their plain beans and posho. Here i see people throw away trays of food. It is crazy how Uganda still pops up in the middle of random times of my life. It still shapes me.
My life as of right now has been a blessing, yet there is something unsettling about what has happened. I realize that InterVarsity has even changed for me. I been describing the feeling as having out grown it. I am no longer surrounded by people who really understand what I have gone through. Given though, I still love them. Particularly the freshmen and the new comers. But somehow I still feel out of place. There is this feeling that God is calling me to focus on something else right now...I am just unsure what it really is. I have a sense it is my schooling and there has been so much life that has come out of that.
Changes come so fast sometimes, it can be overwhelming...but what ever changes come, my God stays the same.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Processing my Uganda Experience from California
It is still hard to believe how a person like me ended up going to Uganda. I grew up in an immigrant church whose primary focus was all about maintaining and contributing to the local Vietnamese community. I grew up never hearing about God being bigger then that. There was never an emphasis on getting involved with anything outside the Vietnamese church. Boy, I was so wrong. Reflecting on Intervarsity’s Global Trek Uganda, I am starting to realize that God’s love is absolutely too massive to contain to just one group of people, one city, or one country. His love was meant to overflow from small hearts, to small communities and spread eventually all over the world. That is a lot of love.
Our team’s preparation for this trip was a major component to this experience. We had so many speakers that already began to challenge our conceptions about Jesus and his Kingdom. I realized during my time at the institute phase of our trip that I was insecure about God. I was worried that if He didn’t work the way I thought He should be working, then something was wrong. I was challenged to see that just because God was not working the way I thought he should doesn’t mean He is not working. The reality is that God can go into any circumstance, any culture, and still maintain His true and unchanging character in that situation. He is still loving, sovereign, merciful, LORD, compassionate, righteous, just, and unchanging in all environments.
I was challenged by this while I was in the States. When I went to Uganda, this became my reality. I was brought into a culture that worshiped differently, did evangelism differently, and dealt with different issues. Yet, Jesus was absolutely the same. Oddly enough, I felt that it was easier to feel the presence of Jesus in situations that weren’t so familiar to me; situations that made me feel uncomfortable even. This included hut to hut evangelism, charismatic worship, and even just praying for dinner in a culture different then what I grew up with. What impressed me the most was how real Jesus was in this culture. To them, nothing was theoretical. God’s power is real. God’s love is real. God’s salvation and redemption is real.
In my church upbringing, God’s redemption was only spoken about like it was some kind of theory, but in Uganda God’s redemption is a complete reality. I have seen former child soldiers who have dealt with the horrors of war at far too young a age become some of most joyous people I have ever met in my life. It bewilders me to see how children who have gone through so much trauma and suffering become such wonderful, kind, loving, and caring people. They’re answer was simple: Jesus saved them. It was through NGO’s like Child Voice International that Jesus became real to them. Jesus became a person that took them in, counseled them, prayed for them, cried with them, and gave them a sure new hope for an amazing future. They don’t just believe in a future in Heaven but also a blessed future here on this earth. They were becoming people who overcame the negative effects of war. They have become established and outstanding individuals in their communities and families. Seeing situations like these makes the Kingdom of God a reality; right here and now.
Susie, one of the staff members on our team during this trip, said something early in the trip that really inspired me to focus on a specific theme. She shared about how the Gospel of Jesus Christ only has an impact if we truly realize we are in desperate need of saving. We can not see Jesus as an option in our life. For the people of Uganda, Jesus is not an option. He is the only true way out of their suffering. Evidence for this can be seen when considering who would have saved these former child soldiers if Jesus didn’t die on the cross. Who would have taken in all the street kids I met if Jesus hadn’t taken us into His family?
It became so clear to me that the impact of Jesus’ sacrifice was not only that we were saved from hell but we are now able to make the Kingdom of God a reality in this broken world. It is a kingdom where the poor and needy are taken care of and loved. It is a kingdom where former child soldiers and street kids can find refuge and love in the arms of the body of Christ (The Church!).
In Uganda, I saw a glimpse of the Kingdom of God and it was beautiful. I saw Nicholas, a 7 year old street child abandon by his parents at an amusement park, eating dinner with such joy. His dinner only consisted of posho (basically corn millet and hot water turned into a solid) and beans. Yet he ate it the way an American would eat a prime rib with all the side dishes. He licked his fingers in between bites. At one point I think he shook with happiness while eating. I do not know why, but I nearly wept at the sight of seeing Nicholas eat his dinner. He was a child that would have been starving and alone that night if it wasn’t for “Come Let’s Dance”, an NGO that was focused on making the Kingdom of God a reality to children like Nicholas. It was moments like this that made realize why I was a Christian. Following Jesus made sense when I was able to see how he was working in the world through the church.
Overall, I felt that this trip really challenged the way I carried out my daily life. It also gave me such confidence for the hope I have in Jesus to not only save the lost and abandoned but to also shape me into a person that will change this world. Uganda has taken a special place in my heart and I hope that I will come back with much bigger hopes of making an impact as a graduate. It was only through the grace of Jesus that I was able to see the things I have seen. Now that I have seen, I am automatically responsible. I am now set on putting my faith into actions by deeds that will bring God’s kingdom closer to the ones that long for it. This doesn’t just mean HUGE acts like going to another country to serve but in the simple acts in my daily life ; having a conversation with someone suffering, being mindful and reverent of the poor while I live out my life of privileges, and always knowing that God is bigger then any frame of thought I can contain Him in. It would be a shame to just forget all this. I pray that I won’t. By the grace of Jesus, this seed will grow into something that I can not even dream of. I can not wait for what Jesus will have in stored for the rest of my life. He is good.
I pray that as part of the global church, we can make Jesus a reality to a world that longs for him.
As I still process from my California home, I can’t help to think of the irony of this trip; I went to Uganda to serve, help, and save, but I have a feeling I was the one who ended up getting saved.
- Benjamin Le
Our team’s preparation for this trip was a major component to this experience. We had so many speakers that already began to challenge our conceptions about Jesus and his Kingdom. I realized during my time at the institute phase of our trip that I was insecure about God. I was worried that if He didn’t work the way I thought He should be working, then something was wrong. I was challenged to see that just because God was not working the way I thought he should doesn’t mean He is not working. The reality is that God can go into any circumstance, any culture, and still maintain His true and unchanging character in that situation. He is still loving, sovereign, merciful, LORD, compassionate, righteous, just, and unchanging in all environments.
I was challenged by this while I was in the States. When I went to Uganda, this became my reality. I was brought into a culture that worshiped differently, did evangelism differently, and dealt with different issues. Yet, Jesus was absolutely the same. Oddly enough, I felt that it was easier to feel the presence of Jesus in situations that weren’t so familiar to me; situations that made me feel uncomfortable even. This included hut to hut evangelism, charismatic worship, and even just praying for dinner in a culture different then what I grew up with. What impressed me the most was how real Jesus was in this culture. To them, nothing was theoretical. God’s power is real. God’s love is real. God’s salvation and redemption is real.
In my church upbringing, God’s redemption was only spoken about like it was some kind of theory, but in Uganda God’s redemption is a complete reality. I have seen former child soldiers who have dealt with the horrors of war at far too young a age become some of most joyous people I have ever met in my life. It bewilders me to see how children who have gone through so much trauma and suffering become such wonderful, kind, loving, and caring people. They’re answer was simple: Jesus saved them. It was through NGO’s like Child Voice International that Jesus became real to them. Jesus became a person that took them in, counseled them, prayed for them, cried with them, and gave them a sure new hope for an amazing future. They don’t just believe in a future in Heaven but also a blessed future here on this earth. They were becoming people who overcame the negative effects of war. They have become established and outstanding individuals in their communities and families. Seeing situations like these makes the Kingdom of God a reality; right here and now.
Susie, one of the staff members on our team during this trip, said something early in the trip that really inspired me to focus on a specific theme. She shared about how the Gospel of Jesus Christ only has an impact if we truly realize we are in desperate need of saving. We can not see Jesus as an option in our life. For the people of Uganda, Jesus is not an option. He is the only true way out of their suffering. Evidence for this can be seen when considering who would have saved these former child soldiers if Jesus didn’t die on the cross. Who would have taken in all the street kids I met if Jesus hadn’t taken us into His family?
It became so clear to me that the impact of Jesus’ sacrifice was not only that we were saved from hell but we are now able to make the Kingdom of God a reality in this broken world. It is a kingdom where the poor and needy are taken care of and loved. It is a kingdom where former child soldiers and street kids can find refuge and love in the arms of the body of Christ (The Church!).
In Uganda, I saw a glimpse of the Kingdom of God and it was beautiful. I saw Nicholas, a 7 year old street child abandon by his parents at an amusement park, eating dinner with such joy. His dinner only consisted of posho (basically corn millet and hot water turned into a solid) and beans. Yet he ate it the way an American would eat a prime rib with all the side dishes. He licked his fingers in between bites. At one point I think he shook with happiness while eating. I do not know why, but I nearly wept at the sight of seeing Nicholas eat his dinner. He was a child that would have been starving and alone that night if it wasn’t for “Come Let’s Dance”, an NGO that was focused on making the Kingdom of God a reality to children like Nicholas. It was moments like this that made realize why I was a Christian. Following Jesus made sense when I was able to see how he was working in the world through the church.
Overall, I felt that this trip really challenged the way I carried out my daily life. It also gave me such confidence for the hope I have in Jesus to not only save the lost and abandoned but to also shape me into a person that will change this world. Uganda has taken a special place in my heart and I hope that I will come back with much bigger hopes of making an impact as a graduate. It was only through the grace of Jesus that I was able to see the things I have seen. Now that I have seen, I am automatically responsible. I am now set on putting my faith into actions by deeds that will bring God’s kingdom closer to the ones that long for it. This doesn’t just mean HUGE acts like going to another country to serve but in the simple acts in my daily life ; having a conversation with someone suffering, being mindful and reverent of the poor while I live out my life of privileges, and always knowing that God is bigger then any frame of thought I can contain Him in. It would be a shame to just forget all this. I pray that I won’t. By the grace of Jesus, this seed will grow into something that I can not even dream of. I can not wait for what Jesus will have in stored for the rest of my life. He is good.
I pray that as part of the global church, we can make Jesus a reality to a world that longs for him.
As I still process from my California home, I can’t help to think of the irony of this trip; I went to Uganda to serve, help, and save, but I have a feeling I was the one who ended up getting saved.
- Benjamin Le
This is Nicholas (aka Niko).
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Falling in Love again...and again and again (with Jesus)
(keep a trashbag close when reading this blog...you might barf =P)
play while you read
I have seen people that are after that first feeling of love.
Those butterflies in the stomach, high hopes of an amazing future, the experience of a first kiss, first time you held hands
True everlasting love is offered to everyone, its up to us to let go of our old conceptions/notions of love and open our hands to this new kind of amazing love. and it is up to us to do it again...and again...and again.
I have seen people that are after that first feeling of love.
Those butterflies in the stomach, high hopes of an amazing future, the experience of a first kiss, first time you held hands
... I think yall catch my drift haha. A person can go on and on about how good a brand new relationship is. I think we all have good experiences with being with someone for the first time.
Sad to see though some of these couples seem to loose that spark. I would so a majority, if not all, at one point realize that the emotions and feelings of the "honey moon phase". Arguments and struggles arise.
Now so many thoughts can come to mind if your in this situation:
"How do I get back those feelings.....He/She changed.....Is this person the one?.......Why am I not feeling this no more? .........I wish things could go back to the way they were"
"How do I get back those feelings.....He/She changed.....Is this person the one?.......Why am I not feeling this no more? .........I wish things could go back to the way they were"
People (like myself) tend to panic in this situation and depending on how you cope with stressful situations, you could just turn a blind eye to it or muster up all you can to make this relationship into the one you always dreamed off
Now.....something I feel is not emphasized is this: The honey moon phase is BOUND to end. This I have had experience in. So where is the happiness in relationships?
I'll just cut right to it. I feel the struggles that every couple runs into gives opportunity for the relationship to get deeper. If this is the right person, they will grow somehow through this struggle and both individuals will become something NEW...something (dare I say) better then when they first got together. They become something new to fall in love with in a way.
I forget this so much in my relationship with Jesus. I know plenty of christians who have gone through dry phases. I am starting to think these are phases where the honey moon feelings have run out between that person and Jesus. Either it feels like hes not around no more...He seems to be far off. He seems to have changed. He no longer gives you those feelings you first felt when you met Him. He seems to be making you things you do not want to do...
So the solution? I have been hit with this new concept. Falling in love with Jesus again.
I forget that as I walk with Jesus, He will show different sides of Himself to me, sides that I have never seen before. These sides are not the sides I saw of Him when we first met. It might be scary to have Jesus show you more of His glory. I mean, mountains have been lit on fire when God showed himself (Mt. Sinai to be specific). Those images, that side of Jesus might scare you. It might make you wish that your relationship could just go back to the beginning. But I think theres a reason that Jesus does this...
We as humans tend to get bored. We can never get enough of anything. It seems that are hearts long for something eternal. We keep trying to get NEW things (new clothes, ipad [dont even get me started], cars, houses, parties, foods, degrees, boyfriends/girlfriends, hats, games, level up on W.O.W [ or this either], new songs, new guitars, etc.) We are either addicted to the feelings of new and/or just get bored with the things of old. We need an unlimited source of satisfaction and joy
Especially in regards to our need for love, we need a source of love every morning.
You see, Jesus knows this. He knows we are deeply spiritual creatures longing for eternal things; things that are out of this world's ability to give. He knew we needed Him to come to die and to be with us so that this huge desire (thirst) can be satisfied finally.
So as we tend to get comfortable and even bored in our faith, it becomes a time for Jesus to offer something new. AND since He is infinite, he never runs out of new sides of Him to show. NEVER.
Our God is capable of outstanding us in ways we have never seen before EVEN though we have known Him for years.
I realized that when ever i have fallen out of love of Jesus, He offers himself in a new way that he KNOWS will satisfy me. I might be to scared of seeing it because I might be unable to let go of the way things use to be with me and him. I dont want it to change.
But if at the core, you remember that this is someone who loves you, you are willing to take that risk. You are willing to go to a new church though it might be scary. You might be willing to go to Uganda and see Him work there. You might just start seeing Him in a brand new light... and that makes you fall in love all over again. It is almost like meeting a whole new person. And people, Jesus has an infinite amount of new light to shed on His children. We are capable of falling in love with Him over and over again. Those honeymoon feelings can always be there. BUT we must remember they come from the relationship that was strengthen through hard times.
My challenge to you, to those who seem to have fallen out of love with Jesus, first go to scripture and just remember that despite how you feel JESUS IS ALWAYS IN LOVE WITH YOU. NOw next, reflect and think of what side of Him is he trying to show you? What part of Him is he trying to show you? How does this call you to grow in your faith?
I have just started to fall in love with Jesus ALL OVER AGAIN and it has come from a long seasons of pain in school. I can tell you it will not be the last time I will fall in love with this guy. There will be another time where I will see a new side of Him and fall in love all over again. He is absolutely amazing.
I have just started to fall in love with Jesus ALL OVER AGAIN and it has come from a long seasons of pain in school. I can tell you it will not be the last time I will fall in love with this guy. There will be another time where I will see a new side of Him and fall in love all over again. He is absolutely amazing.
True everlasting love is offered to everyone, its up to us to let go of our old conceptions/notions of love and open our hands to this new kind of amazing love. and it is up to us to do it again...and again...and again.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Theres a Revolution within my Soul
a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving
Urbana was an amazing time. I can't say that it was a truly all fun and games though. I was actually a little overwhelmed at Urbana. There was just so many people, so many seminars, so many organizations ... where could I go to make the most of my experience?
I ended up just getting scared and just throwing up my hands and saying "God, i have no idea what you want me to do here. I am going to just walk around and you lead me".... and faithfully and graciously He came. I ended up going to amazing seminars, running in with some very old friends (like my cousin Rebecca who I hadn't seen in about 10 years as well as all my Socal friends, and another old friend that I hadn't seen since high school). I felt like I just stumbled upon amazing people who just had a perfect piece of wisdom to share with me and by the end of the whole trip it felt like all those pieces of wisdom fit together and said "Jesus is changing me for His great purpose...and thats great" or something like that. To tell you the truth I still feel like more pieces are falling into this puzzle.
I already took felt convicted to take on some challenges:
Gonna try to read the bible in 3 months (since one of the speakers read the bible 3 time (? maybe more, i forget) in 3 months)
Committed to 40 days of prayer for specific bold things
Sharing the gospel with one of my friends
As well, God has moved me to go on a mission trip this summer to Uganda ( SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS SO I CAN SEND YOU A SUPPORT LETTER!)
Urbana was an amazing time. I can't say that it was a truly all fun and games though. I was actually a little overwhelmed at Urbana. There was just so many people, so many seminars, so many organizations ... where could I go to make the most of my experience?
I ended up just getting scared and just throwing up my hands and saying "God, i have no idea what you want me to do here. I am going to just walk around and you lead me".... and faithfully and graciously He came. I ended up going to amazing seminars, running in with some very old friends (like my cousin Rebecca who I hadn't seen in about 10 years as well as all my Socal friends, and another old friend that I hadn't seen since high school). I felt like I just stumbled upon amazing people who just had a perfect piece of wisdom to share with me and by the end of the whole trip it felt like all those pieces of wisdom fit together and said "Jesus is changing me for His great purpose...and thats great" or something like that. To tell you the truth I still feel like more pieces are falling into this puzzle.
I already took felt convicted to take on some challenges:
Gonna try to read the bible in 3 months (since one of the speakers read the bible 3 time (? maybe more, i forget) in 3 months)
Committed to 40 days of prayer for specific bold things
Sharing the gospel with one of my friends
As well, God has moved me to go on a mission trip this summer to Uganda ( SO PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS SO I CAN SEND YOU A SUPPORT LETTER!)
With school starting off at a really fast pace, I am reminded that this semester is going to be very very difficult. All the more reason to draw closer to Jesus so that by His grace and blessings, I am able to over come this semester.
He got me through last semester and He will get me through this one.
I am excited for this year =) big things happening
He got me through last semester and He will get me through this one.
I am excited for this year =) big things happening
The best to you and your spiritual journey
In Christ,
Benjamin
Benjamin
Sunday, December 13, 2009
End of 2009 reflection
Hello all!
It has been some time since I have been on this blog. I have to admit that school has been taking a lot out of me. Blogging would have been the last thing on my mind.
BUT I have some time right now. I just finished packing for California. I have been home sick for a while so it will finally be nice to be back and catch up with old friends.
So...this year...hmm...so much. I don't know exactly how to describe it other than one of the most transforming years of my life. That is a pretty broad description but let me just make a list of some key moments and give my schpeal on them (check spelling?)
I went down to New Orleans to help out with habitat for humanity. First time in my spiritual life did I really get a true sense of God's heart for justice. This aspect of my faith has always been less emphasized in my spiritual upbringing. When I finally saw it, there was a part of me that said "This is why Christianity makes sense". I finally saw that the God we worship is not about just trying better our morality but rather restore a humanity. He wants to restore humanity not just in a person sense (which tends to be emphasized a lot in personal morality) but in a communal sense. There is this song which I am sure a lot of people know. It is called Hosanna written by Brooke Fraser. In that song, there is a line that asks God to "break my heart with what breaks [His]". I am sure thousands of people sing it weekly at church. For me though, those words did not come a true cry to worship until I saw with my very own eyes people, infact, my very own brothers and sisters, dealing with tremendous injustices in governmental neglect and well as personal struggle; I saw why God wants justice in our world. I realized that this aspect of our faith should not be a part that only social activist christians work on, but every christian is called to be tools of justice.
I went to the Dominican Republic (my FIRST international mission trip) and got another sense of how deep God's heart is for the opressed, struggling, and poor. I started to question myself asking, "Ben, if this is what you SAY you believe in, why don't you start leaving it out? Will you go where God wants you to go?" I will continue to wrestle with that question in the next year I'm sure.
Had a horrible break up. I keep thinking that of course this break up had to happen but did it have to happen in such a hurtful way? The answer is yes. I never had to relie on God's providence and companionship more then in my time of pain with this break up. Am I perfect in running to God in my lonliness? By no means, but I felt that I have personally experience the reality that God is present most greatly in our pain.
School short commings. This semester has been one of the most frustrating semesters of all time. I have never studied so much and struggled so much with grades. Lesson? God is always in control and it is by his grace a lone that i can study let alone continue in school. He has challenged me to be content with the level of intellect he has blessed me for each day and to rely on His providence to get me through school. I have also realized I had a lot of pride tide up into my grades and school which I must get rid of. It has been the source of a lot of pain and God has challenged me to let that go.
CCFC has been amazing. I have been poured into so much there and I feel that this community is genuwinely concernced with my spiritual journey. I have encountered many people willing to give me encouragement in God's truths through all the struggles I had this year. I can't wait to see what next year brings for me at this church =)
Finished reading mere Christianity. The coolest thing I realized? God did not come in to make us better people but restored Human beings; a new creation. Thats the difference between christanities claim and all other religions. God is not so much concernced as to training us to be disciplined dogs that do the right things at the right time. No, not at all. He is out to give us new life. To transform us into beings that are like him. He does not want servants. He wants a family of children to love. He want to turn us mere lifeless statues into real people who He can have a relationship with. That was just one of the biggest epiphanys I got from C.S Lewis.
And hopes for the next year?
I hope that my grades pushed me through to the next semester. ( I didn't find out yet if I passed pharmacology)
I hope to be way more organized with everything including School, IV, callings parents, chilling with friends, and have a true day of rest.
Year of singleness will continue on into 2010 (probably even longer then a year too)
Establish a deeper and consistant prayer life
All in His hands
Hope you all have a wonderful holiday seasons and a very happy new year
- Benjamin
It has been some time since I have been on this blog. I have to admit that school has been taking a lot out of me. Blogging would have been the last thing on my mind.
BUT I have some time right now. I just finished packing for California. I have been home sick for a while so it will finally be nice to be back and catch up with old friends.
So...this year...hmm...so much. I don't know exactly how to describe it other than one of the most transforming years of my life. That is a pretty broad description but let me just make a list of some key moments and give my schpeal on them (check spelling?)
I went down to New Orleans to help out with habitat for humanity. First time in my spiritual life did I really get a true sense of God's heart for justice. This aspect of my faith has always been less emphasized in my spiritual upbringing. When I finally saw it, there was a part of me that said "This is why Christianity makes sense". I finally saw that the God we worship is not about just trying better our morality but rather restore a humanity. He wants to restore humanity not just in a person sense (which tends to be emphasized a lot in personal morality) but in a communal sense. There is this song which I am sure a lot of people know. It is called Hosanna written by Brooke Fraser. In that song, there is a line that asks God to "break my heart with what breaks [His]". I am sure thousands of people sing it weekly at church. For me though, those words did not come a true cry to worship until I saw with my very own eyes people, infact, my very own brothers and sisters, dealing with tremendous injustices in governmental neglect and well as personal struggle; I saw why God wants justice in our world. I realized that this aspect of our faith should not be a part that only social activist christians work on, but every christian is called to be tools of justice.
I went to the Dominican Republic (my FIRST international mission trip) and got another sense of how deep God's heart is for the opressed, struggling, and poor. I started to question myself asking, "Ben, if this is what you SAY you believe in, why don't you start leaving it out? Will you go where God wants you to go?" I will continue to wrestle with that question in the next year I'm sure.
Had a horrible break up. I keep thinking that of course this break up had to happen but did it have to happen in such a hurtful way? The answer is yes. I never had to relie on God's providence and companionship more then in my time of pain with this break up. Am I perfect in running to God in my lonliness? By no means, but I felt that I have personally experience the reality that God is present most greatly in our pain.
School short commings. This semester has been one of the most frustrating semesters of all time. I have never studied so much and struggled so much with grades. Lesson? God is always in control and it is by his grace a lone that i can study let alone continue in school. He has challenged me to be content with the level of intellect he has blessed me for each day and to rely on His providence to get me through school. I have also realized I had a lot of pride tide up into my grades and school which I must get rid of. It has been the source of a lot of pain and God has challenged me to let that go.
CCFC has been amazing. I have been poured into so much there and I feel that this community is genuwinely concernced with my spiritual journey. I have encountered many people willing to give me encouragement in God's truths through all the struggles I had this year. I can't wait to see what next year brings for me at this church =)
Finished reading mere Christianity. The coolest thing I realized? God did not come in to make us better people but restored Human beings; a new creation. Thats the difference between christanities claim and all other religions. God is not so much concernced as to training us to be disciplined dogs that do the right things at the right time. No, not at all. He is out to give us new life. To transform us into beings that are like him. He does not want servants. He wants a family of children to love. He want to turn us mere lifeless statues into real people who He can have a relationship with. That was just one of the biggest epiphanys I got from C.S Lewis.
And hopes for the next year?
I hope that my grades pushed me through to the next semester. ( I didn't find out yet if I passed pharmacology)
I hope to be way more organized with everything including School, IV, callings parents, chilling with friends, and have a true day of rest.
Year of singleness will continue on into 2010 (probably even longer then a year too)
Establish a deeper and consistant prayer life
All in His hands
Hope you all have a wonderful holiday seasons and a very happy new year
- Benjamin
Saturday, August 1, 2009
So...
I just started transitioning to my new community at CCFC (Cambridge Community Fellowship Church). I'm very excited to see where God is going to take me in this church and I already love the community. So much care and honesty in the fellowship.
I just went to their "house church" last night. Its basically small group bible study but I am starting to feel that the name implies a more family like atmosphere which I love. So let me set up this night a little,
This week has been a fun week, yet I have had my moments where I struggled to simply keep on track with my time with God. I have notice with that, it does not matter how much fun I have...If God is not in the middle of that fun, it just ends up being a cool memory leaving us with this emptiness when it is all quiet. I got that feeling very strongly yesterday. I just had a week of going out and eating and playing games with amazing and crazy friends. I am so blessed by that community and all the good times. But yesterday, I woke up .... and I had this weird sense of emptiness. Which i thought was weird because I was like "Ben, you just had a jam packed week of hanging out and cleaning and writing letters and getting a letter and a lot of stuff. Why do you feel empty now?" Some how... i knew the answer but I didn't want to come to grips with it. I knew I hadn't been really searching after God in this time. I just kind of said, "God I read last week, im good for this week. I dont have that desire to sit down and wait for you to show me something." That just made me lost in worldly thoughts and insecurities. Without the reassurance of God's word in my personal life, I forget that life is not all about fun, but something much deeper. I need the Holy Spirit to open my eyes up to the greatness of the gospel everyday. I want to see it and be filled with an amazing joy that NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING on earth can compare to it.
So I came to house church after eating at my friend Becky's house. She and her other friend Esther invited me to dinner and they cooked some delicious food for me and my other friend Albert. We all ate and it was just awesome.
We came to house church together and opened up with worship and just started a simple topical bible study on the Holy Spirit and who He is. I dont know how to explain it but this community was so open to each other and we just had a great time studying. There were some profound moments, jokes galor, and times of real raw honest confessions and truths shared. I mean, just to hear how these peoples share about the depth that God has been working in their lives astounded me. I'm so use to hear what people need God to do: "i need God to help me in school, my work, my family". It was like a breath of fresh air to hear people share how "God has showed me this and showed me that". I was seeing evidence of God working in a broken community and not just seeing God has a wish maker. My heart is kind of getting pumped just typing this out.
Then, at the end of our simple yet very good bible study we had a time of prayer requests. One girl in particular, named Allyson, was brand new to the group. I had been at house church once before a while back so I cant I was brand new. This was Allyson's first time. I remember her having a smile as she opened up her prayer request. "I don't know how to really articulate this" she said... and slowly she began to get shaky and it seemed that she was holding back tears. She shared how she had just gone through a break up. Right then my heart sank and I was brought back to the feelings I had in my break up. It was painful to see someone else experience something similar to the feeling I felt after my break up. Then she said something along the lines of I hope that healing can come in my life as well as his life. For her to ask for prayer for the other person just blew me away. I mean I have prayed for Linh since the break up...but I wondered if I should have been asking other people to pray for her. I was just blown away for her state of mind in seeing how God wants to bring healing to everyone and here I was focused on just my pain.
I shared with her a little bit about my break up and It was reassuring for both of us to see that we were not alone in that pain and to see God working in each of ourlives was a huge blessing as well.
So, I left house church in a very good mood. I was dropped off at the T station and I was just reflecting about how this church almost seems to ideal for me. I mean, I just felt like I fit in so well and after each time I go to this church I experience God. I was thinking how in a spiritual community you want to surround yourself with people you hope to resemble and as a Christian you hope that those people resemble Christ. I can see Christ in this church in everything they do. From their emails to each other, to Pastor Larry's sermons, and especially in the small groups.
BUT i was thinking that I could just be like...blinded by love in a sense for this church. I mean I know every church has their problems and I have yet to really see it (but I know I will eventually). I wanted to make sure God was placing me at this church and I wasn't placing myself at this church. I was wrestling with this Idea while I was waiting for my Train to come and go home.
Then, I noticed a old black man pushing a mobile chair. I came up to him and asked if he needed any help. It became evident that he possibly had a stroke since his speech was somewhat impaired. I vaguely understood that his chair had broke and he had to go home. He couldnt walk well. His house was about 2 blocks down. So, I began to push and I quickly realized that I had complitely underestimated the weight of this chair. It was extremely heavy. "Man, what did I get myself into." I thought, but I quickly realized how terrible it would have been if this man had to push this chair all by himself. So i just kept pushing making as much progress as I could. Suddenly, a spanish guy came up and asked if we needed help. I began to tell him about the situation and explain how Im just trying to help this guy push his chair home. I got a somewhat empty stare. He shared that his english was not to great but he understood the situation. So together, all three of us began to push. But we saw that the handicaped man had difficulty keeping up with us. So we suggested he just sit in the chair as we pushed him.
So...there I am, pushing an elderly handicaped blackman who had a speech impediment along with a columbian guy helping me who had trouble speaking english down Mass. Ave in Boston at midnight. To prove how heavy this chair was, it took me and the columbian guy, both young and relatively fit men, 20mins to move down one block. It was just so heavy and tiring and the weather didnt even help. We were desperate for help. So me being the most capable of speaking asked people who passed by who would help. People notice us pushing and just kept walking by. Finally, I got the attention of an Arab kid. He said he just ran for 2 hours and was tiried but he was willing to help. So with that... it took 3 Guys 15 mins to move this man in his chair down to his apartment. Not only that, we had to help him up the elavator and physically get into his room. We got our simple thank yous and left. It felt good. I could say that I felt that I did something good in the world and thus i feel good about it...but there was something deeper.
It was somewhere along Mass Ave. I was pushing the chair so strongly and leaning in so I could put my back into pushing that my head was nearly right on the shoulder of the black man we were helping. I just kept telling him it be okay and we were gonna get him home soon. I realized that here I was with a spanish man, an arab man, a black man, and I was an asian man. We all became this beautiful illustration of what the Kingdom of God was. For a minute, I felt God say that He was overwhelmed with Joy with what was occuring. I was apart of this illustration of the Kingdom of God along side with people that society would seperate. It was beautiful and fullfilling.
I then slowly learned that all the men I encountered where not Christian. I saw this whole night as a great oppertunity to share my faith and I was acutally able to with the spanish man. Im not sure if it sank in but I am sure that my actions backed up my words. We talked on T ride back home and he actually said I should come by his resteraunt and eat sometime =). It was a fun night talking to him.
At the end, I saw how this moment made me connect back to the values of CCFC and their church calling in social justice and racial reconciliation. I experienced that passion of that value first hand through this God given moment. I saw it as God pushing me to explore this more. I saw it as God pushing me more towards CCFC.
I got my answer that night. For this time in my life, I should be at CCFC...and Im excited about it.
God is crazy good =)
PS sorry for the typos
I just started transitioning to my new community at CCFC (Cambridge Community Fellowship Church). I'm very excited to see where God is going to take me in this church and I already love the community. So much care and honesty in the fellowship.
I just went to their "house church" last night. Its basically small group bible study but I am starting to feel that the name implies a more family like atmosphere which I love. So let me set up this night a little,
This week has been a fun week, yet I have had my moments where I struggled to simply keep on track with my time with God. I have notice with that, it does not matter how much fun I have...If God is not in the middle of that fun, it just ends up being a cool memory leaving us with this emptiness when it is all quiet. I got that feeling very strongly yesterday. I just had a week of going out and eating and playing games with amazing and crazy friends. I am so blessed by that community and all the good times. But yesterday, I woke up .... and I had this weird sense of emptiness. Which i thought was weird because I was like "Ben, you just had a jam packed week of hanging out and cleaning and writing letters and getting a letter and a lot of stuff. Why do you feel empty now?" Some how... i knew the answer but I didn't want to come to grips with it. I knew I hadn't been really searching after God in this time. I just kind of said, "God I read last week, im good for this week. I dont have that desire to sit down and wait for you to show me something." That just made me lost in worldly thoughts and insecurities. Without the reassurance of God's word in my personal life, I forget that life is not all about fun, but something much deeper. I need the Holy Spirit to open my eyes up to the greatness of the gospel everyday. I want to see it and be filled with an amazing joy that NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING on earth can compare to it.
So I came to house church after eating at my friend Becky's house. She and her other friend Esther invited me to dinner and they cooked some delicious food for me and my other friend Albert. We all ate and it was just awesome.
We came to house church together and opened up with worship and just started a simple topical bible study on the Holy Spirit and who He is. I dont know how to explain it but this community was so open to each other and we just had a great time studying. There were some profound moments, jokes galor, and times of real raw honest confessions and truths shared. I mean, just to hear how these peoples share about the depth that God has been working in their lives astounded me. I'm so use to hear what people need God to do: "i need God to help me in school, my work, my family". It was like a breath of fresh air to hear people share how "God has showed me this and showed me that". I was seeing evidence of God working in a broken community and not just seeing God has a wish maker. My heart is kind of getting pumped just typing this out.
Then, at the end of our simple yet very good bible study we had a time of prayer requests. One girl in particular, named Allyson, was brand new to the group. I had been at house church once before a while back so I cant I was brand new. This was Allyson's first time. I remember her having a smile as she opened up her prayer request. "I don't know how to really articulate this" she said... and slowly she began to get shaky and it seemed that she was holding back tears. She shared how she had just gone through a break up. Right then my heart sank and I was brought back to the feelings I had in my break up. It was painful to see someone else experience something similar to the feeling I felt after my break up. Then she said something along the lines of I hope that healing can come in my life as well as his life. For her to ask for prayer for the other person just blew me away. I mean I have prayed for Linh since the break up...but I wondered if I should have been asking other people to pray for her. I was just blown away for her state of mind in seeing how God wants to bring healing to everyone and here I was focused on just my pain.
I shared with her a little bit about my break up and It was reassuring for both of us to see that we were not alone in that pain and to see God working in each of ourlives was a huge blessing as well.
So, I left house church in a very good mood. I was dropped off at the T station and I was just reflecting about how this church almost seems to ideal for me. I mean, I just felt like I fit in so well and after each time I go to this church I experience God. I was thinking how in a spiritual community you want to surround yourself with people you hope to resemble and as a Christian you hope that those people resemble Christ. I can see Christ in this church in everything they do. From their emails to each other, to Pastor Larry's sermons, and especially in the small groups.
BUT i was thinking that I could just be like...blinded by love in a sense for this church. I mean I know every church has their problems and I have yet to really see it (but I know I will eventually). I wanted to make sure God was placing me at this church and I wasn't placing myself at this church. I was wrestling with this Idea while I was waiting for my Train to come and go home.
Then, I noticed a old black man pushing a mobile chair. I came up to him and asked if he needed any help. It became evident that he possibly had a stroke since his speech was somewhat impaired. I vaguely understood that his chair had broke and he had to go home. He couldnt walk well. His house was about 2 blocks down. So, I began to push and I quickly realized that I had complitely underestimated the weight of this chair. It was extremely heavy. "Man, what did I get myself into." I thought, but I quickly realized how terrible it would have been if this man had to push this chair all by himself. So i just kept pushing making as much progress as I could. Suddenly, a spanish guy came up and asked if we needed help. I began to tell him about the situation and explain how Im just trying to help this guy push his chair home. I got a somewhat empty stare. He shared that his english was not to great but he understood the situation. So together, all three of us began to push. But we saw that the handicaped man had difficulty keeping up with us. So we suggested he just sit in the chair as we pushed him.
So...there I am, pushing an elderly handicaped blackman who had a speech impediment along with a columbian guy helping me who had trouble speaking english down Mass. Ave in Boston at midnight. To prove how heavy this chair was, it took me and the columbian guy, both young and relatively fit men, 20mins to move down one block. It was just so heavy and tiring and the weather didnt even help. We were desperate for help. So me being the most capable of speaking asked people who passed by who would help. People notice us pushing and just kept walking by. Finally, I got the attention of an Arab kid. He said he just ran for 2 hours and was tiried but he was willing to help. So with that... it took 3 Guys 15 mins to move this man in his chair down to his apartment. Not only that, we had to help him up the elavator and physically get into his room. We got our simple thank yous and left. It felt good. I could say that I felt that I did something good in the world and thus i feel good about it...but there was something deeper.
It was somewhere along Mass Ave. I was pushing the chair so strongly and leaning in so I could put my back into pushing that my head was nearly right on the shoulder of the black man we were helping. I just kept telling him it be okay and we were gonna get him home soon. I realized that here I was with a spanish man, an arab man, a black man, and I was an asian man. We all became this beautiful illustration of what the Kingdom of God was. For a minute, I felt God say that He was overwhelmed with Joy with what was occuring. I was apart of this illustration of the Kingdom of God along side with people that society would seperate. It was beautiful and fullfilling.
I then slowly learned that all the men I encountered where not Christian. I saw this whole night as a great oppertunity to share my faith and I was acutally able to with the spanish man. Im not sure if it sank in but I am sure that my actions backed up my words. We talked on T ride back home and he actually said I should come by his resteraunt and eat sometime =). It was a fun night talking to him.
At the end, I saw how this moment made me connect back to the values of CCFC and their church calling in social justice and racial reconciliation. I experienced that passion of that value first hand through this God given moment. I saw it as God pushing me to explore this more. I saw it as God pushing me more towards CCFC.
I got my answer that night. For this time in my life, I should be at CCFC...and Im excited about it.
God is crazy good =)
PS sorry for the typos
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